Annabel Lee spake
Annabel Lee spake
Annabel Lee spake
Annabel Lee spake
Annabel Lee spake
Annabel Lee spake
Annabel Lee spake
I have never seen the question that way before actually, maybe because I always work from the premise that God loves us so much, that he gave us free will. I just realised that from a more human perspective, power always trumps love. It's interesting isn't it, because that simply proves even more so, the existence of a love beyond our understanding, I daresay, Unconditional Love. And so the concept is simple. God Loves. It is the basis for the entire Christian religion, and it is also the fundamental basis for our existence. So many people have asked before, what makes a human so diffrent from an animal, and the answer has always been resonant, the ability to rationalise, to feel emotions, and therefore on the most fundamental level, to not only think about the concept of love, but to actually love. Because God loves, therefore he made us in his image, and this image is love. Because God loves us, he gave us free will, because honestly, we're rational beings who would not appreciate not being given a chance to think and decide to love. He loves us even as disaster happens. He loves us even when disability happens. Because in no instance is there the absence of love. That being said, the human idea of love is diffrent from the idea that God has. The human idea of suffering is also diffrent from the idea that God has. There is Love, in suffering, there is also compassion and love that comes from suffering. I truly and honestly wish that everyone can understand what it means to have God. Not just to know who he is, read about what he is like but to actually have him, dwelling in the very essence of your being. In an age that is enlightened with science and progress, there is a phenomenon of post-materialism. This, perhaps is the greatest proof of people finally understanding that something is lacking. I believe that God wants to be in all of us. But more importantly, at some point in life we will be fertile soil, and given fertile soil, we know that God will grow.
;9:20 PM
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Today I went for mass with a new community, and it was so easy to just enjoy the peace that overwhelmed me when I was there, celebrating your real and actual presence. The peace that makes me so sure that the holy spirit is with me each and every step of the way. As I say my prayers tonight, I just want to say that I love you, and that I would do anything that you ask of me. That 5 years ago when I lifted up my life to you and just asked you to take it and let it be, that I meant it. Help me be the instrument that you have always wanted me to be. But more importantly, never let me forget the peace that you give me, the contentment that you give me when I am close to you, and that you just want me to be the person I am, nothing more, nothing less, everything that you planned for me to be. Because I am so lucky to know what your unconditional love for me is. I am so lucky to be loved.
;7:02 PM
Friday, July 18, 2008
;9:13 PM
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Jesus, I know that you are with me, and yet at times, the world's allures are so alluring. Because they are more immediate, and more apparent in daily life. I ask you today to open the eyes of my heart to see you in all that I do, and to be in everything that I do. As I begin a new path, I ask you to be with me each step of the way. Let this be as much a prayer as it can, let my whole life be a prayer to you. Today I remembered something, that is till now, I do not live my life clinging to your presence. Most of the day, you take a back seat.
"Be still and know I am God." I just enjoy now being in your presence, and I ask that with each of my actions, I realise that I am in your presence. Fill me more and more as I try and learn what it means to be in communion with you and each sunday, as I receive the Eucharist, help me to understand the magnitude of your gift, you Jesus, dwelling in me, in as real and as tangible a way that the human mind can understand. Dwelling within me are you lord. Your spirit fills my every being, and with every decision I make, with my every action and thought, your spirit weeps or jumps im joy. I ask you today to help me feel what the Spirit feels, and to still my heart so that each day, at every moment, I can be truly IN your presence.
Jesus is everything. He is my everything, because he is everything in an absolute sense. I say I love you lord, so help me live a life that reflects that love for me.
Amen.
;10:14 AM
Friday, June 20, 2008
That was prayer at the end of today's reflection. Once again God has spoken to me. The last few days, the lord has resoundingly and repeatedly told me of his love. He has reassured me of his mercy. But more importantly, he has reminded me that no matter what I have done, he has reached out to me. I just want to thank him at this point of time.
Thank you Lord for always listening. No matter whether I know you are there or not. Now you reassure me, and encourage me. Speaking to me in such a personal way. I want to praise your name, and call out to you. These few days, prayer every night means being in your presence. And the peace and joy that being in your presence brings, is beyond any worldly satisfaction and imagination.
I love you. No matter whether I say this when I feel love for you or not. This is because I cannot not love you. My soul searches for you, and my mind knows your face. But more importantly my heart knows your love. I love you lord, always, now and forever.
Amen.
;11:10 AM
Monday, June 16, 2008
Dear Lord, as I come into your presence I just want to thank you for everything that you have given me, life, laughter and love, unconditional as it is. Thank you for your ultimate forgiveness, and the ultimate act of love. Thank you for giving me everything that I could have possibly needed and wanted. But more importantly thank you for being a God that is part of my life, and has a personal relationship with me. I cannot imagine my life without You as part of it. Thank you Lord.
'Yahweh appeared of old to me, saying, Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn you.' Jer 31:3
Indeed, how do you ignore, this beautiful love letter that God has written us? It's thousands of pages long and has been written since the beginning of time. How long this love, how deep this love. As I begin to write this entry, as a testament of my YISS experience, I would like to more importantly highlight this Love. Because it is the center of everything that I could possibly need or want.
I really wanted to go for YISS, for me I now know, I was looking for that essential experience with God that would sustain me through the next three years. When I say I am afraid to leave here and got to London, I think this has less to do with the unknown, and more to do with the un-Godliness of that place. It is not the ridicule that I fear which will inevitably come with proclaiming that God is the center of your life, but the fact that I may lose sight of God. As of before the camp, I had not been praying for almost a year. Why? As I always say, the biggest sinners run from God. And there I was, scared that I had done so much that would make Jesus cry, and worse of all, I KNEW he would have already forgiven me. Guilt I tell you is a tricky thing. And so I felt undeserving of that unconditional love I was promised. All the while, just walking further and further away from God. I was rooted in several addictions, they were my substituite for God's love, I know that now. It was my way of forgetting how it felt like to be in the presence of God. So I really wanted to have this connection with God again. But then, when the camp started, I felt bored.
Ask me why the boredom, and I'll tell you it is the evil one playing with my pride. I knew alot, and had already experienced God many times. I had already been through an outpouring. The excitment and uncertainty that most of the rest of the participants felt was not applicable to me. Wors still I wasn't open to listening. I sat there on the first day, listening to what they had to say about God loving me unconditionally, and I thought to myself, "but I know all of this already". Indeed, I have been blessed enough to have felt God's unconditional love twice. Once five years ago, and again just recently when the love shared between a friend and I with God present in the relationship, there is unconditional love. I had felt all these before, but suddenly I forgot what it meant. The problem with pride.
Day two I broke camp, first time ever, and left to the doctors and to buy this laptop. Stupid thing was that I missed a mass that I suspect was quite meaningful. Nonetheless I'm sure with the atitude that I was carrying around there was no way I would have listened. So I went back feeling even more so that this camp was pointless. During quiet time I walked around aimlessly, and the I prayed asking God to let me have some one on one time with my facilitators to ask them why I felt the way I did, and what on earth was my purpose there. Geraldine was right. She said that He defintely had a reason for why I'm here, and that I should be patient. Because, Love is firstly patient. I felt that my role there was supportive, that for some reason or other God wanted me to use all my experiences, and all my memories of our closeness, as a prayer for the participants. So that I did. I lifted up each one of them, and asked God to simply give them an experience they could not forget. I am sure he answered that prayer. That night, as we prepared for confession, I prayed for the strength to make a good one. I know its awful, but my confession was exactly the same as my last one during lent. And that was such a wake up call. The priest also asked me why I thought I needed to feel God's love. I had a conversation with him about that. That it was not so much the feeling of God's love that was important to me, but rather I could not feel love for God. That was scary stuff you know. So I felt this sudden need to feel love for God. Then it was healing, and I asked God to to take away my bondages. It was at that point of time, that Don said something that I knew was God's message for me. That I had to be more confident of myself, and that I was the most beautiful person, almost for a second, I saw myself the way I saw God. You cannot imagine how thankful I was at that moment. Almost, I was having problems with eating again, for three days, all I had was a meal a day. Then I knew what I was there for. Healing reconciled me with God and myself. I felt relief. But not love. Yet.
Day three, was outpouring. I took a walk with God during quiet time and felt the presence of God. It was then that I told God I just wanted to feel him again, rather then any gift. Well or rather the gift was up to him. That night at outpouring, God answered my prayers. For the first time in months or even years I praised him with almost violent tongues. I prayed so hard, and was prayed over three times. The second time I rested in the spirit, and though this was by no means the first time, it was the most peaceful. I was shaking, upper half of my body, but I just lay there, filled with joy. Then the third time I asked for healing of my throat. And for my Aunt again, I belive that she has been healed. The third time, I felt Jesus, holding me up as if to say that he was there, I know it was him, offering me the experience I asked for. With that I felt great peace and joy.
There the fourth day came upon us. And on the fourth day, there was another ministering session. I felt the anointing of the Holy Spirit come upon me. It was the most AWESOME experience. For some of the people around me, this annointing resulted in them resting spontaneously, laughing or crying unstoppably. For me it was the most calm and simple peace. I felt as though being in the presence of the Holy Spirit, stilled my resltless heart, and allowed me to have a different and altogether beautiful experience. Mass that day was the best, and so applicable, because the gospel was Jesus calling the 12. I felt commissioned. As though this was God's way of telling me that it was my time to serve him once again.
Through this camp, I learned the importance of allowing God to just be part of my life. At the same time, there is some normalisation with God in my life. I used to feel close to him when I was on a high, yet completely indifferent to the world that I live in. Now I know that living as a well loved child in this secular world means striking a balance, yet never compromising the presence of God in my life. This is the prayer that I have for all the youth who were at this camp. That while God has touched their lives in ways that will be life changing, that they too have to learn how to change their life while not cutting the world out. Living in this world with God, means being called to spread his love. And this can only be done so, if they too understand the world.
I make this prayer through Jesus' name, and Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
;8:08 AM
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
That aside, as I grow older, I think the wiser aspect stagnates. It's funny, but this long vacation has proved to be not fulfilling in many ways. Because it feels somewhat aimless. And I dread what is to come next. People tell me that I'll have so much fun in London. And that I must be so excited. Honestly, this was not something I decided, it was God's will, I'm just going along. And once again, indifference to the fortunate aspect is prominent. So it is, that I leave with a heavy heart. Not knowing what is in store for me (I'm honestly scared) and actually being so comfortable here, and therefore know what I am giving up by choosing to know. Both the known and the un-known are scary for me. Bad position.
So I make now, what would probably be the one and only entry for this year, what I truly think is bothering me... The fact that I will change, when I leave, no matter what I do to stay the same.
Suddenly, I don't really want to grow up anymore.
;9:11 AM