Friday, November 17, 2006
I am filled wit this immense sense of ambivalence tonight, which by far is a first for me. While in the background I see the 'struggles' of an anonymous friend,I cannot help but feel no pang of guilt. Just a slight buzzing irritaiton. I suppose this can be called heartlessness in some societys. I call it indifference due to circumstance. Seriously, some people need more in life. Or at least should shut up if they want to do nothing about it. But that aside. I am suddenly afraid of becoming that heartless bitch. It's not too difficult you see. Push enough of the right buttons, and pride will dominate. With that inevitably comes self centeredness, and the rest of that horrid package.
So it hurts, i feel hurt. And confused, and insanely upset. Because suddenly,I see a moral diversion as to what I want and what i should want. Ironically even then i can't seem to figure out what i want and what i should want. See, context is very determining.
I want to scream, jump, and do something that is meaningful. Problem is, i have no idea what meaningful is to me. And that is torturing and haunting at the same time.
But for all the crap that i feel tonight, there is this looming sense of loneliness and isolation from the rest of the world. Because I don't have anyone to share my confusions with tonight.
Annabel Lee spake
;8:36 AM
