Annabel Lee spake
So a bit of contextual knowledge would be great. I've been away for so long from God that it's scary how far you can walk. When we did the activity, the walking over the bridge one, I saw myself, walking over and walking back. I remember briefly a time when i was insanely close to God. Must have been two years ago when i took walks with God in the park and just talked to him. They were real conversations and it felt great being that close to God. And then something happened, he asked me to do something and I couldn't do it. Till today i still don't understand how doing it would have changed anything, but i suppose God had his plan, wanted the best for me, but i couldn't follow. So that was the first obstacle. Then i went into a period of spiritual dryness. I remember there were moments when i felt closer to God and there were moments that I could not feel him at all. Then i left Maranatha. It was easy at first, there were perfectly logical and valid reasons to leave except that one obscure one that meant that leaving would be cutting my bridge to God. I did that and well, when the bridge was gone, i just walked back in the direction i came from. Then came alevels and that was horrifying, being alone, not feeling God, was awful. I tried to communicate with him but i couldn't. No wonder i felt like dying.
Going for prayer walk and youth camp was perhaps my last lifeline back to God. I felt that i needed someway to just get back and reopen communications. And it did happen. I felt God's presence through others during prayer walk, I talked directly to him and felt the spirit deep within in youth camp. I never realised that the guilt i had for walking away could weigh so heavily on me but it did. Through this experience though, I did realise that God is really quite forgiving. In the past there was nothing to forgive. And now i can testify to the fact that God does forgive, and quite completely. Last night i spoke in tongues and said the same thing as the person who prayed over me. How i could even have the ability to still intellectually question goes to show how difficult it is for me now to completely surrender. And yet how firm God's love for me is also shines through in that experience. In spite of my doubts, he was there with me and always loved me completely and no matter.
;7:23 AM